The Rip Off

When I was a kid I was a comic book freak. I loved Spiderman because of his good attitude and Conan the Barbarian because of his terrible attitude. I wanted to live life like Spiderman and conquer the world like Conan. It seemed reasonable to me.

I loved Marvel comics mostly because of the artists. I also loved Marvel because even if the character plot went stupid, a boy could count on the magic of the full-page ads. Those ads were as fantastic as the comics themselves and the items in them could be mailed directly to your mailbox.

There were Sea Monkeys — yes Sea Monkeys — hovercrafts and little machines you could buy that would help you counterfeit dollar bills. I loved it! Charles Atlas was willing to help me no longer be skinny and beat up mean people on the beach. I never bought his 15-minute trainer because I was never skinny and didn't live on the beach. However, I did take his advise and punched a bully in the face for making a remark about me. That bully promptly mopped the floor with my head in front of the entire seventh grade.

Cattle killers

There was also a really cool ant farm for sale. This was before fire ants invaded us and our Amdro killed all of the harvester ants, horny toads, tarantulas and jack rabbits. A big shout out to our state and federal government for handing out billions of pounds of Amdro to farmers in the early 80s. Feel the love.

I thought very seriously about buying the Venus flytrap plants and I always liked the zombie mask. But, there was one mail order item from the comic books that really stands out in my memory — the X-ray glasses. These glasses were advertised to help a young man full of testosterone actually see past the heavily clad ladies of our youth. I wondered why every kid didn't already have a pair and quickly came to the conclusion that it was because I was a visionary genius.

Snail mail

So in 1979, I saved up a $1.99 for my X-ray goggles, saved up another $5 for “shipping and handling” and carefully filled out the envelope so my messy writing would send my money to the right New Jersey address. I also dedicated my life to checking the mail every day for the next six weeks because if my mom found out I was trying to look through walls or cheerleader outfits, I would be dead.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I got a very small package in the mail and a very lame pair of cardboard glasses. It was a scam. Who knew? I felt so cheated and stupid.

“You gotta be kidding me,” I exclaimed while looking through the ridiculous rip off. The Brewer had his first taste of a world full of dishonest schemes. I mean you would think you could trust people helping little boys peer into Bank vault combinations.

Money back guarantee

Thirty-one years later, I am painfully aware of rip offs and con artists and just plain lies. They compete for our attention and devotion at an unprecedented level these days. The one place I run to where I know I will not be ripped off or disappointed is hope in Jesus Christ. So I run to Jesus.

The proof of authenticity is not just in the book, but in the lives of all of us who love the Lord. We see miracles, live beyond what is reasonable and shoot for limitless possibilities. We love beyond our capacity and live beyond our means. We choose to be battleships instead of cruise ships and warrior poets full of life, love and joy.

It is just plain impossible for us to be the people we are without the reality of Jesus Christ in our lives. Besides all of that, I have been to Israel and stuck my head in the tomb — it really is empty. Jesus Christ is risen from the dead and the life he gives to us is no rip off.

“They cried to You, and were delivered; They trusted in You, and were not ashamed.” — Psalm 22:5

The Brewer pastors Open Door Ministries near Joshua and Crowley and can be found at www.troybrewer.com.